Thursday, August 29, 2019

Friends’ Caginess Around What Man Assumed Was Planning For His Surprise Birthday Party Turns Out To Be Caginess For Some Party On His Birthday They’re Going To Without Him

Woman Can’t Figure Out Why Opinionated Boyfriend Has Such A Negative Reaction To People Wearing Flip-flops

Gideon Bible In Motel Room Drawer Inspires Man To End Sinful Vacation Early

Report: Vast Majority Of NPR Listeners Don’t Perform Well In Fist Fights

The Cryptic Pro-God Messages On The Side Of The Dr. Bronner’s Bottle Changed My Life!

Life's A Party: Pants

Guy You Met Once At Party Really Working Through Some Intense Personal Shit On Facebook

Mold Forming On Pita Bread Sad Reminder Of Abandoned Plans For Grand Falafel Banquet

Promoter Needs Band To Load In At Noon For 9 p.m. Start Time

Woman Disappointed To Eat Dry Tortilla Chip After Running Out Of Salsa

Mosquito-bitten, Sunburnt Man Not Doing So Well On His Quest To Appreciate Nature

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Angels Added To Endangered Species List As Climate Change Continues To Burn Off Cloud Banks In Heaven

Denver Woman Vacationing In New York City Has To Buy Weed On The Street Like Some Kind Of Criminal

Soul Makes A Clean Break From Sneezing Woman’s Body After No One In Her Direct Vicinity Says “Bless You”

“That’s What She Said” Guy Fucking Killing It On Trip To Hardware Store

Making Fun Of Ska The Only Time Inactive, Opinionated Indie Rock Fan Gets To Feel Like Hulking Badass

Daughter Extra Nice To Waitstaff To Counteract Wrath Of Parents During Typical Family Outing

42 Year Old Artist Still Holding Out Hope That The People With The Money Will Tell Him He Can Finally Quit His Day Job And Be Famous Now

Denver Man Who Forgot He Ate Pot Candy Before Work Wondering Why He’s In A Good Mood All Of A Sudden

Could We Please Not Talk About My Modest Mouse Phase?

Man Who Spent His Late 20s Watching All His Friends Get Married Now Spending His Late 30s Watching Them All Get Divorced

Wendy’s New Meatless Chicken Nuggets Just An Empty Box

Man Wishes He Were More Like The Person He Pretends To Be On Instagram

Bagel Snob Picked Kind Of A Pathetic Thing To Be A Snob About

Librarian In Charge Of Whiteboard Must Be Reading Nietzsche Or Something

Etiquette Lesson

I Hope That Guy With The Minutemen Shirt Notices My Black Flag Hat

Newly Purchased Thrift Store Cassette Deck Reveals Anthrax’s “I’m The Man” Has Not Held Up Well