Making Fun Of Ska The Only Time Inactive Indie Rock Fan Gets To Feel Like Hulking Badass

THE RECORD STORE — The only time Lance Parkington, an out-of-shape, opinionated indie rock guy, gets to feel like a hulking badass is when he’s making fun of ska music, his coworkers at Spin-It-Again Records claim. “Lance hates meatheads and jocks and other people who act tough — probably because he’s a very gentle man,” said Kirk Freelinger, who works with Parkington four days a week. “In fact, his life would be completely devoid of badassery of any kind if it weren’t for how surly and macho he gets when he talks shit about third-wave ska bands like Reel Big Fish and Mustard Plug. It’s super weird.” Susan Frye, manager of the record shop that employs Parkington, agreed. “Lance refuses to do assigned tasks like take out the trash or lift a box if it’s more than ten pounds,” she said. “That’s why I always get a kick out of it when he goes on his anti-Skankin’ Pickle rants, because he’s just so adorable as a tough guy. I suppose it would be like watching Michael Cera doing a Henry Rollins impression. It’s just so out of character, you have no choice but to smile.” After blustering for several minutes on the musical inferiority of Less Than Jake’s horn section, he caught himself before initiating a round of high fives with everyone in earshot. At that point, he excused himself so he could flip the Decemberists record he was listening to.
(Article originally appeared in The Yellow Rake #32 Spring 2019 edition. Get in touch if you would like a copy mailed to your door.)