This Shit’s Almost Over, Nation’s Scrooges Report

NATION — With mere hours until the Christmas holiday concludes, the nation’s scrooges reported that this shit was excitingly close to being over. “Oh thank god this is nonsense is ending,” said Carl Worthington, a 48 year old casino manager who has worked every Christmas for the last 15 years. “If I hear one more goddamn Christmas carol, I’m going to punch one of these santa hat-wearing mother fuckers in the face.” Lilah Wilkes, a yoga instructor who moved from Vicksburg, Mississippi to Denver when she was 18 and did not have any plans to go home for the holidays agreed. “I’m not nostalgic, sentimental, or ceremonial,” she said. “But even though I have no real reason to celebrate, I suppose I will do something fun that has nothing to do with Pagan rituals or Christian traditions.” When asked to expound on her plans, she thought silently for a few moments and then said, “Oh, I don’t know. Probably just get day drunk and listen to Heart records.” As the clock ticked closer and closer to the 26th, the scrooges’ excitement grew palpable — some even cracking smiles on their normally expressionless faces. “Our enthusiasm and relief towards the end of Christmas is as festive as any of us are comfortable of getting,” claimed Worthington. “It’s what I look forward to every year.”