Gideon Bible Inspires Man To End Sinful Vacation Early

HOLLYWOOD LEGEND INN — After reading the Gideon Bible he found in the drawer of the Hollywood Legend Inn on Sunset Boulevard last Sunday night in Los Angeles, Bobby Haussmann abruptly ended his sinful vacation and drove all the way to his home in Los Alamos, New Mexico. “The first three days of my vacation were a lot of fun, even though I realize now they were actually evil,” said Haussmann, who planned to trade his hard-binging lifestyle for the solemn study of religious scripture from this point on. “Before opening that Bible, I hung out on the Sunset Strip and partied like it was 1981. Like on Wednesday night, I met some comedians who just finished playing the Comedy Store, and holy shit, those guys know how to party!” Once he recounted a few of their jokes, Haussmann said, “I laughed so much, my stomach hurt.” After another two nights of carousing, hanging out at the Rainbow Room, and just wandering in and out of venues and bars in West Hollywood, Haussmann found himself exhausted. As he lay on the unmade hotel bed with a slight headache, he opened the nightstand drawer in search of his phone charger. “I found my charger,” he said, “but I also found something more. Something I feel like I’ve been looking for all my life, apparently.” The spiritually starved vacationer just happened to open the Bible to 1 Peter 4:3. “For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry.” “That’s when I was like, Holy shit, I need to find the lord,” he said. Upon arriving home, Haussermann’s roommate took one look at him and realized he needed to stage some kind of atheistic intervention. “I’ve seen people hit that holy-shit-switch and reach for a Bible — usually after a trip to Vegas or Los Angeles,” said his roommate and longtime friend, Louis Rutherford. “We had better nip this in the bud or I could be hearing about how I need to accept Jesus as my lord and savior for the next month. And believe me, I’ve got so many better things to do with my time.”