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The Yellow Rake Will Save Your Life. The Yellow Rake Will Kill You.

The Yellow Rake
Since 2004
Bagel Snob Picked Kind Of A Pathetic Thing To Be A Snob About
Feb 5

Feb 5 Bagel Snob Picked Kind Of A Pathetic Thing To Be A Snob About

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

“It’s just a bagel. Who gives a shit?”

Woman Sick Of Stupid Social Media Bullshit Unfollows All Profiles That Don’t Exclusively Post Pictures Of Puppies
Jan 23

Jan 23 Woman Sick Of Stupid Social Media Bullshit Unfollows All Profiles That Don’t Exclusively Post Pictures Of Puppies

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

Once she took a deep breath and composed herself, she added: “From here on out it’s just puppies.”

Stranger Who Just Finished Using Restroom Warmed Up The Toilet Seat Real Nice For You
Jan 14

Jan 14 Stranger Who Just Finished Using Restroom Warmed Up The Toilet Seat Real Nice For You

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

Sitting down on the warm seat immediately conjured up mental images of the man’s bare buttocks pressing down on the toilet with all his weight, forcing you to ask yourself uncomfortable — and ultimately unanswerable — questions about his personal hygiene.

“Quit Being A Dipshit” Challenge Once Again Fails To Go Viral
Jan 4

Jan 4 “Quit Being A Dipshit” Challenge Once Again Fails To Go Viral

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

“A lot of People have never been keen on the idea of not being dipshits,” said sociologist Dean Newcomb, author of Where’d All These Dipshits Come From? A Journey Into The Mass Dipshittery That Plagues Nations.

Damn It! Workout Not Even Halfway Over
Jan 2

Jan 2 Damn It! Workout Not Even Halfway Over

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

After deliberately trying to avoid looking at the display on the elliptical machine, Patricia Westerberg’s momentary glimpse at the digital counter revealed that her 30 minute workout was not even halfway over.

Trump Calls Random Five Year Old To Tell Him His Parents Will Die One Day
Dec 26

Dec 26 Trump Calls Random Five Year Old To Tell Him His Parents Will Die One Day

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

“Well, my parents are dead, and it’s only a matter of time before it happens to you.”

This Shit’s Almost Over, Nation’s Scrooges Report
Dec 24

Dec 24 This Shit’s Almost Over, Nation’s Scrooges Report

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

“Oh thank god this is nonsense is ending.”

Common Denominator Of All His Problems Staring Back Forlornly In Mirror, Man Suddenly Realizes
Dec 21

Dec 21 Common Denominator Of All His Problems Staring Back Forlornly In Mirror, Man Suddenly Realizes

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

“But it is me,” he said in this moment of clarity. “It’s been me the whole time.”

Snoring Dog In Bedroom Involuntarily Downgrades Sleeping Location To Den
Dec 17

Dec 17 Snoring Dog In Bedroom Involuntarily Downgrades Sleeping Location To Den

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

After waking his owner at 3:47 a.m., Lenny the Beagle’s sleeping location was promptly downgraded with prejudice from his owner’s bed to the den.

Fargo, ND Tops Gentrifier’s Weekly List As Least Likely City To Be Gentrified For The Third Year In A Row
Dec 17

Dec 17 Fargo, ND Tops Gentrifier’s Weekly List As Least Likely City To Be Gentrified For The Third Year In A Row

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

Fargo, North Dakota was rated the least likely city in the US to be gentrified for the third year in a row, according to the annual Gentrifier’s Weekly poll of a 1,000 likely gentrifiers

Librarian In Charge Of Whiteboard Must Be Reading Nietzsche Or Something
Dec 15

Dec 15 Librarian In Charge Of Whiteboard Must Be Reading Nietzsche Or Something

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News

“A couple of weeks ago, it just said, ‘The 40 hour work week is the curse of eternal recurrence. Thoughts?’ I was depressed for a whole week after that.”

Machiavellian Schemes and Bold Accusations Erupt Over Which Visiting Sibling Gets Guest Room at Mom's House During the Holidays
Dec 14

Dec 14 Machiavellian Schemes and Bold Accusations Erupt Over Which Visiting Sibling Gets Guest Room at Mom's House During the Holidays

The Rake Posse
Genuine-fake-news

“He calls her and tells her how much he loves her. It’s so transparent. If mom wasn’t so blinded by her desperate need for affection, she’d probably wonder why he never calls in June.”

Promoter Needs Band To Load In At Noon For 9 p.m. Start Time
Dec 10

Dec 10 Promoter Needs Band To Load In At Noon For 9 p.m. Start Time

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News
Letter In A Record
Dec 6

Dec 6 Letter In A Record

The Rake Posse
Existential Drippings
Mold Forming On Pita Bread Sad Reminder Of Abandoned Plans For Grand Falafel Banquet
Dec 6

Dec 6 Mold Forming On Pita Bread Sad Reminder Of Abandoned Plans For Grand Falafel Banquet

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News
Guy You Met Once At Party Really Working Through Some Intense Personal Shit On Facebook
Dec 5

Dec 5 Guy You Met Once At Party Really Working Through Some Intense Personal Shit On Facebook

The Rake Posse
Genuine Imitation News
My Control Panel
Dec 5

Dec 5 My Control Panel

Brian Polk
Comics
A Thoughtful Estimation On Precisely How Many Fucks I Give In Various Situations
Dec 5

Dec 5 A Thoughtful Estimation On Precisely How Many Fucks I Give In Various Situations

The Rake Posse
Community Offerings
Man Obsessed With Cleanliness Washes His Hands Twice A Week Whether They Need It Or Not
Nov 2

Nov 2 Man Obsessed With Cleanliness Washes His Hands Twice A Week Whether They Need It Or Not

The Rake Posse
Community Spotlight
Humble Up
Oct 22

Oct 22 Humble Up

Brian Polk
Comics
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