“It’s just a bagel. Who gives a shit?”

Once she took a deep breath and composed herself, she added: “From here on out it’s just puppies.”

Sitting down on the warm seat immediately conjured up mental images of the man’s bare buttocks pressing down on the toilet with all his weight, forcing you to ask yourself uncomfortable — and ultimately unanswerable — questions about his personal hygiene.

“A lot of People have never been keen on the idea of not being dipshits,” said sociologist Dean Newcomb, author of Where’d All These Dipshits Come From? A Journey Into The Mass Dipshittery That Plagues Nations.

After deliberately trying to avoid looking at the display on the elliptical machine, Patricia Westerberg’s momentary glimpse at the digital counter revealed that her 30 minute workout was not even halfway over.

“Well, my parents are dead, and it’s only a matter of time before it happens to you.”

“Oh thank god this is nonsense is ending.”

“But it is me,” he said in this moment of clarity. “It’s been me the whole time.”

After waking his owner at 3:47 a.m., Lenny the Beagle’s sleeping location was promptly downgraded with prejudice from his owner’s bed to the den.

Fargo, North Dakota was rated the least likely city in the US to be gentrified for the third year in a row, according to the annual Gentrifier’s Weekly poll of a 1,000 likely gentrifiers

“A couple of weeks ago, it just said, ‘The 40 hour work week is the curse of eternal recurrence. Thoughts?’ I was depressed for a whole week after that.”