NEW YORK CITY — Denver woman Denise Swan, who has been able to legally purchase marijuana in a wide array of strains, edibles, topical ointments, and all sorts of other fun stuff for over five years, was forced to buy weed on the street like some kind of criminal during her recent vacation to New York City.
“It’s strange,” said Swan, who just needed a few hits from a pre-roll or even like, half a low-dose blueberry-flavored gummy after a night of heavy drinking to set her morning on the right path. “New York City has an incredible nightlife, from all sorts of stand-up comedy shows to concerts and Broadway plays, you name it. It’s one of the cultural capitals of the world. But after I stay up drinking until four a.m. — because that’s when bars close out here — and I need a little something to fix my morning, I have to go to Central Park and try to flag down a dealer.”
After she thought about it for a few moments, she added: “The idea of needing a drug dealer for pot would be cute if it weren’t so pathetically antiquated. I thought New York was supposed to be this huge progressive city, but they got me out here sneaking around like I was in high school again. I feel like I need to cue up my old Meat Puppets tapes so I have something to listen to while I page my dealer from a payphone.”
While marijuana remains illegal in New York — a state known for draconian drug penalties like the Rockefeller Laws — both the governor and several members of the legislature have declared their support for full legalization. However, after several attempts in the current legislative session, the bill did not have enough votes to pass the senate.
“My Airbnb host said something about how the state senators couldn’t get their shit together,” Swan continued. “At least that’s the reason she gave when I asked her where to score a lid. She didn’t have any idea where to get weed and seemed kind of weirded out that I even asked. In Denver, I would have gotten directions to like five different dispensaries within a six block radius. These people are so inhibited.”
Swan eventually found some strong coffee and bagels and eventually felt better.
“At like three in the afternoon, I started to feel like my old self again,” she said. “But if we were in Denver, I would have felt fine at like noon. What are you going to do?”
When asked if she would ever consider visiting New York again despite its continued prohibition on marijuana, Swan shrugged.
“I don’t know, probably,” she said. “I’m actually looking forward to going to LA, because I can finally buy pot there like an upright member of society since they legalized it last year. But I suppose if New York doesn’t legalize it soon, I’ll just have to smuggle it in like everyone else.”