All in Genuine Imitation News
Sitting down on the warm seat immediately conjured up mental images of the man’s bare buttocks pressing down on the toilet with all his weight, forcing you to ask yourself uncomfortable — and ultimately unanswerable — questions about his personal hygiene.
“A lot of People have never been keen on the idea of not being dipshits,” said sociologist Dean Newcomb, author of Where’d All These Dipshits Come From? A Journey Into The Mass Dipshittery That Plagues Nations.
After deliberately trying to avoid looking at the display on the elliptical machine, Patricia Westerberg’s momentary glimpse at the digital counter revealed that her 30 minute workout was not even halfway over.
“Well, my parents are dead, and it’s only a matter of time before it happens to you.”
“Oh thank god this is nonsense is ending.”
“But it is me,” he said in this moment of clarity. “It’s been me the whole time.”
After waking his owner at 3:47 a.m., Lenny the Beagle’s sleeping location was promptly downgraded with prejudice from his owner’s bed to the den.
Fargo, North Dakota was rated the least likely city in the US to be gentrified for the third year in a row, according to the annual Gentrifier’s Weekly poll of a 1,000 likely gentrifiers
“A couple of weeks ago, it just said, ‘The 40 hour work week is the curse of eternal recurrence. Thoughts?’ I was depressed for a whole week after that.”
Greg Sandberg, a man who you will meet at your party later tonight when one of you acquaintances introduces you, is currently purchasing the Egg McMuffin breakfast sandwich that will clog your toilet.
A tape deck recently acquired at Good Will by one-time metal fan Darren Radcliffe revealed that Anthrax’s I’m the Man, the thrash-metal band’s 1987 rap pastiche, has not exactly stood the test of time.