Fully Realized Man Finally Has Confidence To Stop Pretending To Wash Hands After Using Public Restrooms

 

ON A ROCK NEAR A SUNSET — A man, who is currently being ostentatiously self-assured on a rock near a sunset so he can put the photographic evidence of it on his Instagram, finally has the confidence to stop pretending to wash his hands after using public restrooms. "Hitherto this day, I used to run the water and rub my hands as though they were being washed, and then I would get myself some paper towels — even though there was nothing to dry," says Clarence Park, who never actually washes his post-bathroom-going hands when he's at home or otherwise in private. "But now that I'm more content with my place in the universe, I don't give a damn if people see me not washing my hands. In fact, after I'm done with my business, I check myself in the mirror, say something in my head, like, 'There's that badass,' and then go about my day." And although Park looks forward to a bright future of not succumbing to the judgmental eyes of hand washers, he's still not brave enough to share this information with the rest of his friends or family.

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