Depressed Roommate Hasn’t Fucked In Awhile

DENVER — Citing seasonal depression and lack of sex noises emanating from her room, Sandra Hooper revealed that her roommate Claire Rutherford hasn’t fucked in quite some time. “Usually she’s real loud at fucking,” said Hooper. “There’s always moaning and slapping noises. But for at least a few weeks, it’s like radio silence.” Hooper said since it’s been at least a month since she heard Rutherford’s fucking, she figured it probably had something to do with her roommate’s Seasonal Affective Disorder, which usually culminates during the month of December. “Claire stopped fucking around this time last year as well,” she said. “Back when I first noticed it, I thought that maybe she broke up with one of her boyfriends or quit Tinder or something. But then spring came and I started hearing fucking again, so I’m not overly concerned.” Rutherford then reached for her phone to open her Tinder app, since she realized it had been awhile since she tended to her own fucking needs.


  1. The McDonalds you thought was just down the street must have closed down or something, because it’s not there anymore. How does a McDonald’s go out of business? Hmm, that’s weird. Turn back to the page you were reading and just buy the damn chickpeas. What are you so afraid of? Or if you want, just find another McDonalds — there’s got to be one around here, right? — and then go here, and scroll to the first comment:


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