Report: Vast Majority Of NPR Listeners Don’t Do Well In Fist Fights

WASHINGTON — While possessing many other notable and respectable traits, a vast majority of NPR listeners lack the basic skills to perform well in fistfights, according to a 2018 Pew Research Center News Consumption Survey released Tuesday. “While NPR listeners tend to be highly educated and earn incomes that are greater than average, they are simply terrible when it comes to rearranging the face of some motherfucker who talked shit,” said Jerome Bailes, a senior researcher at Pew who authored the study. “When all is said and done, recommending a fine wine or locating North Korea on a map is pretty useless when some random dude decides to wail on their face, which is why these highly informed media consumers just kind of cower and whimper when they’re getting the shit kicked out of them.” The study also found that the media organization’s classical music audience fared the worst during violent confrontations, with only a tiny minority who have ever administered an ass whuppin’ in a bar brawl, gone medieval on an opposing team’s fan during a football riot, or majorly ripped a new asshole of a Fox News viewer who made fun of them for using a multisyllabic word.