Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Man Wishes He Were More Like The Person He Pretends To Be On Instagram


INR — Ron Latteman, a relatively normal guy who works at the post office in the suburbs, wishes he were more like the ultra exciting person he purports to be on social media, he reported yesterday as he was waiting for the bus in 20 degree weather. “I have a sweet online life,” said Latteman, who hunched over on a public bench with his arms across his chest in order to conserve heat. “I’m always happy and tanned and having fun and doing cool things. If only my life were really like that.” Latteman, whose day-to-day existence is very mundane, makes it seem like he lives an incredibly thrilling life full of never-ending parties, extravagant purchases, hip friends, and trips around the world — all with him smiling and happy to be alive. And while he admitted that he does have fun “here and there,” the grand majority of his life consists of doing normal things like working, cleaning up after himself, and watching Netflix. “You know the song ‘Rocket Man’ when Elton John says something about not being the man they think he is at home?” he said. “That’s like me and my Instagram feed. I’m definitely not the man they think I am online.” When asked to expound, he admitted, “For starters, I’m not always on vacation. I just change my clothes a lot and take a lot of pictures whenever I go out of town. That way when it’s like 8 degrees and snowing, I post a picture of me smiling in shorts with the caption, ‘Wish you were here.’ And when I’m out to eat, I order a bunch of small plates to take pictures of, so when I’m having my typical peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, I post a pic of a fancy-looking appetizer and put, ‘Only the best for me. What are you eating for lunch?’ or something like that.” While Latteman often admires his own affected social media persona, he doesn’t limit his envy to himself. “So there’s this girl I grew up with, Amanda, who’s just so cool,” he said of a woman that, unbeknownst to him, works at a kiosk in the mall and lives with a roommate in a studio apartment by the airport. “She’s always posting pictures of her riding in limos and scuba diving in Vanuatu and hanging out with celebrities. She must be some kind of model or something.”

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