ENGLEWOOD — Anthony Milton, a 37 year old lifelong bachelor who seemingly attended one of his friends’ weddings every weekend in his late 20s, has witnessed the slow dissolution of nearly all those decade-old marriages, he announced this week.
“Sam, Ernie, Alex — they all got married in the fall of ‘08,” said Milton, who couldn’t help but appear smug, since his aversion to marriage was widely mocked and derided by all three aforementioned friends. “And they all got divorced almost to the month ten years later. Although they’d probably be hard pressed to see the humor in the situation, it is pretty funny.”
Milton claimed that while he didn’t actively hope his friends’ marriages would fall apart, he was nonetheless excited when they did, because he once again got to spend time with his companions. Since their respective wives had labeled him a ‘bad influence’ and strongly encouraged them not to hang out together, he more than welcomed his buddies back into his life without any connubial controversy.
“It was great getting the crew back together,” said Milton. “Aside from all of us having adult jobs, and the fact that there were a lot more tears this time around, it was like we hadn’t missed a beat. They all moved in to my house and now we go to shows, drink beers on the porch, and argue about which era of SNFU is the best — just like we used to before they decided to become adults.”
After mulling over his sentiment for a few moments, he added: “I mean, I guess we’re all technically adults, since we get adult hangovers and shave before work. But we all share the same bar of soap and stay at the bar past happy hour, so we’re not ‘adult’ adults, if that makes sense.”
Ernie Suhr, one of Milton’s new roommates who reads a lot of books about sociology, considers “witnessing the first round of his friends’ divorces” phase an important milestone in adulthood.
“I thought I was getting old when everyone was getting married ten years ago,” said Suhr. “But once my older brother got divorced in 2017, I was like, Oh shit, I’m entering a new era of old. Pretty soon, I’ll be eating dinner at five in the afternoon and yelling at kids to get off my lawn.”
Continued Suhr: “Actually my new lawn is always brown and filled with empty beer cans, so I suppose the kids can stay on it as long as they want. But anyway, you get what I’m saying.”
Now that Milton is enjoying the current stage of his friends’ marital status, he figures he’s good for another couple years before the inevitable first round of second marriages hits.
“Right now everyone’s going through the stage where they’re dependent on their single friends like me,” he said. “Pretty soon they’ll find some rebound lovers and eventual new wives that they’ll spend the next ten years with. But until then, it’s fucking party time.”