Bagel Snob Picked Kind Of A Pathetic Thing To Be A Snob About

DENVER — Keith Hammond, a man who fancies himself as a proper connoisseur of bagels, picked kind of pathetic thing to be a snob about, The Society For the Eradication of Snobbery reported Tuesday. “Keith falls squarely within the scope of your run-of-the mill, everyday snob,” said Dr. Mort Hampe, president of SES. “It’s just that instead of being elitist and judgmental about your typical snobbery subjects like music or wine, he chose a bread product that tastes good, sure. But I mean, come on. It’s just a bagel. Who gives a shit?” Hammond, who will only eat bagels from three shops in the entire Denver Metro Area despite the dozens of bagel eateries that exist in the city, can engage in lengthy monologues about what makes the round baked good worthy of his refined palate — even though the existence of anyone with any interest in the subject is, statistically-speaking, equal to zero. “Anyone will tell you a bagel has to be boiled before it is baked,” Hammond said about a facet of the bagel-making process that very few people have any reason to know and even fewer would find interesting. “But the reason that New York City bagels taste the best is because the geology of the Catskill Mountains, where the city gets its water. You see, there’s very little limestone in the rock, which limits the bitter-tasting calcium…” He went on in this manner for awhile. As of press time, Hammond made a special trip to the bread section of the grocery store so he could pity all of the people buying what he condescendingly referred to as “BISOs” or “Bagels In Shape Only.”