HEAVEN — Angels were added to the celestial endangered species list as climate change continued to burn off cloud banks in heaven, several angels who have survived the plummet to earth have reported.
“Our natural habitats are disappearing below our feet, leaving us nowhere to stand,” said Dominion angel, Harold, during the annual Conference of Astronomical Existence (CAE) last Tuesday. “The time has come for us to seriously address the existential threat of our post-life brethren so we may all thrive in these, our eternal rewards for having lived such exemplary lives on earth.”
The melting of the clouds represents a unique threat the way of life in heaven, concerning those who sacrificed so much on earth to be there.
“On earth, many of us worked horrible jobs for the betterment of our kids, went to church every Sunday even though it was boring, and referred to ourselves as lovers of Christ even though it often inspired looks of derision,” continued Harold. “In honor of monogamy and the respect for the sanctity of marriage, some of us even stayed in unbearable relationships even though the prospect of extramarital relations was always on the table with the middle kid’s science teacher, Kate.”
Harold cleared his throat and continued. “And we endured all of life’s persecution and abuse because we were promised eternal rewards. And now we’re falling out of clouds? Frankly, it’s ridiculous!”
Although the heavenly dwellers were officially referred to as endangered for the first time, the administration of God has repeatedly denied any link to a changing climate.
“While some of the lower orders of angels have been added to the list of endangered species, the current heavenly administration continues to maintain that climate change has been severely exaggerated by angelic scientists,” said heaven press secretary Blanche Anderson-Collins in an often combative press conference yesterday. “God maintains that shrinking clouds and fallen angels are the result of natural changes in the atmosphere of the heavens and should in no way alarm more empathetic inhabitants of the afterlife, who continue to demand unrealistic and expensive solutions to what is essentially a non-problem.”
Anderson-Collins comments come at the end of an unseasonably hot molting season that has raised concerns with climate change activists.
“This unprecedented heat has caused lower breeds of angels to develop spotty plumage and lopsided wings,” said Harold. “Along with the eroding cloud shelf, these developments have been causing angel carnage across earth, shaking the faith of the true believers and lowering the morale of good angels all across heaven.”
At that point, Harold fell through the cloud he was standing on and plunged down to earth where he was ironically impaled on the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil during peak tourist time.