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The Yellow Rake Will Save Your Life. The Yellow Rake Will Kill You.

Things I Hope I'll Never Have To Say

Things I Hope I'll Never Have To Say

1. “So that specifically is why I can’t get into heaven?”

2. “How much old newspaper can a person eat before it becomes toxic?”

3.  “I need a badass synth player for my EMF cover band. You in or what?”

4. “Wait, so why does the mafia have a hit on me? ...Oh, I see. I guess that makes sense.”

5. “Has anybody seen a thumb? They can probably reattach it, but the sooner I find it, the better.”

6. “How many packets of soy sauce can a person eat before it becomes toxic?”

7. “I never thought I’d live to the age where voting republican makes sense.”

8. “Maybe I’ll buy a pair of sandals to match my Jimmy Buffet shirt.”

9. “Excuse me sir, you can’t return a dildo once your DNA is on it. Can you please put it back in the package and get it out of here?”

10. “How many packets of Sweet ‘N Low can a person eat before it becomes toxic?”

11.  “Wait, so why did Yemeni fundamentalists issue a fatwā against me? ...Oh, I see. I guess that makes sense.”

12. “Yes, I am in possession of the lead pipe, and yes, I was in the conservatory at the time, but no, I did not kill Colonel Mustard. How the hell did I get trapped in a board game anyway?”

13. “I’ve had ‘You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’’ stuck in my head for 17 days.”

14.  “I need a badass rhythm guitarist for my Journey cover band. You in or what?”

15. “You can’t breathe the air for longer than 20 minutes before it becomes toxic.”

16. “I quit drinking and found god. Now I wear bright colors and smile all the time.”

17. “Today I had to use my A.K. (It was not a very good day.)”

18. “The proctologist said it was, quote, ‘Stuck real good.’ So, yeah, it’s still up there.”

19.  “I can’t believe Trump got a third term.”

20. “I’ve been written out of three wills and counting.”

21. “That’s something I could have laughed at back when I had a sense of humor.”

22. I need a badass harpsichord player for my Mannheim Steamroller cover band. You in or what?”

23. “My dentist said if I was lucky I’d get to keep a molar.”

24. “On the second day of my retirement, my doctor told me I only had two more days to live. That was yesterday.”

25. “Wait, so why did that disheveled, unhinged guy in the alley say the CIA sent him mind control signals commanding him to strangle me until my legs went limp and my soul entered the ether? ...Oh, I see. I guess that makes sense.”


Bonus: Names of the cover bands listed above…

  • The Unbelievables (EMF)

  • South Detroit (Journey)

  • A Caucasian Mom’s Christmas (Mannheim Steamroller)

Man Has No Clue What To Do About Boner In Dentist Chair

Man Has No Clue What To Do About Boner In Dentist Chair

Roommate Has Been On A Real Asshole Kick Lately

Roommate Has Been On A Real Asshole Kick Lately