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The Yellow Rake Will Save Your Life. The Yellow Rake Will Kill You.

Roommate Has Been On A Real Asshole Kick Lately

Roommate Has Been On A Real Asshole Kick Lately

Clyde Hoffingdale has been been on a real fucking asshole kick lately, reports roommate and part-time dishwasher Brooks Ryan. “Yeah, I mean Clyde’s disagreeable and short-tempered sometimes,” said Ryan. “But he also has a cool side to him where he can be, like, your best friend. Lately though, he’s let that mean, bitter side of him take over and I find myself wishing he would die a very painful, protracted death.” From refusing to clean the very dishes he dirtied to eating all Ryan’s food to always taking the good parking spot, Hoffingdale has spared no one in his latest wrath of dick. “He even let Stacey have it the other night,” said Ryan. “She’s this brilliant, introverted girl who listens to the Cure and drinks herbal tea and would never in a million years hurt a fly. And he yells at her for letting her cat hair-covered sweatshirt touch the couch. Our fucking couch has bong water stains and bits of french fries on it! I mean, Jesus, if he wasn’t paying rent, I would be googling how to poison someone.” When confronted about his downward dick spiral, Hoffingdale became agitated and said, “Did Brooks tell you that? God, he’s been such a asshole lately.”

[Pictured: A note Ryan left on his Chinese leftovers to inform Hoffingdale that he will no longer be alive should he attempt to consume his god damn fried rice.]

Things I Hope I'll Never Have To Say

Things I Hope I'll Never Have To Say

Bad With Introductions

Bad With Introductions