YR Posse.jpg

The Yellow Rake Will Save Your Life. The Yellow Rake Will Kill You.

Man Has No Clue What To Do About Boner In Dentist Chair

Man Has No Clue What To Do About Boner In Dentist Chair

SANTA FE — Jake Wilson had a fully-committed boner while he sat with his mouth agape in an exam chair as a dental hygienist conducted a routine teeth cleaning last Friday. As he briefly mused about the biological urges that have plans for us that don't jibe with the social situations we find ourselves in, he thought, "Well shit… What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?" He squirmed uncomfortably in his chair for a few moments, trying to subtly angle his lower torso — without moving his head — in a way that somehow disguised the unmistakable bulge in his pants. It didn’t work, and so his internal monologue myopically focused on the problem south of the waistline. "Vomit, baseball, ugly babies, grandma, other people's boogers, Dilbert cartoons, hernia surgery, Donald Trump's mushroom penis, for the love of God, please go down!" he thought, using words that have no business being together in the same sentence. Several minutes later, with no sign of flaccidity returning to the erection, the hygienist asked if he had been flossing regularly. "Every day," he said in a terse, post-pubescent-sounding screech that jolted them both. Near the end of his visit — a full 30 minutes since initial inconvenient erection — Wilson held his complimentary toothbrush next to his crotch in the hopes of drawing eyes away from the as-of-yet undaunted hard-on. As he walked back to the waiting room with his hands in his pants, he wondered where this unshakable boner was last weekend when he had to forego sex due to his penis' insistence on lying low just when it mattered most.

[Pictured: Wilson’s complimentary toothbrush next to the boner that just won’t quit.]

The Cryptic Pro-God Messages On The Side Of The Dr. Bronner’s Bottle Changed My Life!

The Cryptic Pro-God Messages On The Side Of The Dr. Bronner’s Bottle Changed My Life!

Things I Hope I'll Never Have To Say

Things I Hope I'll Never Have To Say