Good Son Plans To Wash Good Cutoffs For Mom’s Birthday
GOLDEN, CO — Maternal respect was on full display this week at the studio apartment of local good son Benjamin Kinney, who made plans to launder his good cutoff shorts in honor of his mother’s birthday dinner this weekend. “I put my good cutoffs on top of the laundry basket this morning so I wouldn’t forget to bring them to the laundromat,” said Kinney. “She spent nine months carrying me to term and another 18 years raising me, so I figured I should probably look nice for her birthday.” The intention to clean the haphazardly tailored pants — which Kinney altered himself during the heatwave of ‘17 — reflects a milestone of sorts for the 26 year old, who in the past never heeded the collective customs of society’s more fashionably maintained. “I mean, a couple of years ago, I probably would have just gone with what I have on now,” said Kinney, referring to a pair of black tattered and stained shorts that defied the laws of nature by staying on his waist at all. “But you know, I guess I think of what my mom would want on her birthday, and since I can’t afford an actual present, my good cutoffs kind of prove to her that I care.” After signing his homemade birthday card that he printed at the library for a dime, Kinney also resolved to iron his Dead Kennedys’ “Too Drunk to Fuck” shirt, because it “looks sharp without the creases” — and also because it still has sleeves, since they wouldn’t let him in his parent’s country club last year with a sleeveless Star Fucking Hipsters shirt.