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The Yellow Rake Will Save Your Life. The Yellow Rake Will Kill You.

A Thoughtful Estimation On Precisely How Many Fucks I Give In Various Situations

A Thoughtful Estimation On Precisely How Many Fucks I Give In Various Situations

There are three ways to give fucks: caring, swearing, and making love. The following situations — in which I often find myself — utilize all facets of fucks giving. (Note to self: New holiday idea: ”Fucksgiving,” a day in which you give a fuck, say a fuck, and fuck a fuck.) Anyway perhaps you will enjoy them, though if you don’t, I must admit, I don’t really give a fuck...

Peanut butter runs out

Qualifier: Is there another jar?

Yes: Zero fucks.

No: One loud fuck, especially if I have a whole thing of crackers with nothing now to put on them.

Bus is late

Qualifier: Is it making me late for something important?

Yes: One fuck for every two minutes it’s late.

No: One fuck for every three minutes it’s late.

Voodoo doll not effective in exacting revenge on those who have wronged me

Two fucks: One because my enemies are continuing to go unpunished and the other because the doll is not working for the specific reason I procured it, and voodoo dolls aren’t exactly free, you know?

Toilet paper runs out

Qualifier: Am I near a shower?

Yes: One fuck, because I wasn’t planning on taking a shower, was I?

No: A couple of fucks followed by intense concentration as I plot my next course of action.

There’s a parking ticket on my windshield

One dramatic “NOOOOO!” followed by about $50 worth of fucking fucks.

Can’t get a proper handful of chips despite having my hand in the bag for several seconds

One half-hearted fuck. Maybe a whole-hearted fuck if I have to go get a bowl to pour them into, due to the fact that it really shouldn't be this hard.

Realizing that all the money I make working is spent on booze in order to deal with the fact that I don’t like working

One shrug, zero fucks. Like this guy Zach from Shreveport always says, “Ain’t shit you can do about that.”

The ice caps are melting and soon humanity will cease to exist

If I didn’t give any fucks about humanity, it would make me some kind of misanthropic monster, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would (to answer my own rhetorical question). Publically, I’m very concerned about this and give it a lot of fucks.

I step in gum

One really long fuck. (Also, this situation does nothing to improve my misanthropy.)

They’re out of everything bagels at the bagel place

One fuck uttered in my head only, because I’m not one of those sociopaths that takes out their frustrations on people who work in the retail and food service industries.

Getting stuck in the middle seat on a plane ride from DIA to LAX where the passenger on my left is a cranky four year old and the one on the right is emitting a pungent odor.

About two hours and thirty minutes worth of fuck. (More fuck if there’s a delay, which in and of itself comes with its own series of fucks.)

Significant other is in the mood for lovin’

Qualifier: Am I too drunk?

Yes: Zero fucks, unfortunately.

No: Four to twenty minutes of sweet fucks.

My Control Panel

My Control Panel

Man Obsessed With Cleanliness Washes His Hands Twice A Week Whether They Need It Or Not

Man Obsessed With Cleanliness Washes His Hands Twice A Week Whether They Need It Or Not