Facebook Friend Won’t Shut The Fuck Up About Non-voting Plans

SOCIAL MEDIA — For reasons that were heretofore unknown, one of your social media "friends" Henry Donaldson — a man you have never met in actual life — is not voting in the upcoming election. But instead of keeping this personal decision to himself, the Facebook user is spending an awful lot of his free time attempting to seek validation for his abstention and convincing others not to vote as well.

“I never met this Henry guy,” said Jeremy Fisher, another one of your mutual e-friends, during a group chat. “But holy shit, he won’t shut the fuck up about not voting for Biden for some reason. He’s been writing these overwrought posts that are like six paragraphs long. It’s like, ‘Dude, no one here is going to stop you from not voting. Knock yourself the fuck out.’ But I guess he’s embarked upon some sacred mission to proclaim to the entire world that he is one important non-voting mother fucker! Look out world: Henry is definitely NOT going to vote in the upcoming election. It’s just so fucking impressive, isn’t it?”

Before last week, Henry hadn’t exactly been active on Facebook — his last post seeking recommendations for good Ethiopian food in the area appeared in mid-February. But since his first post about the election last Wednesday, Donaldson has let flow a torrent of increasingly unhinged proclamations about the stupidity of voting.

“I’m not sure what’s gotten into Hank,” said ex-girlfriend and reluctant e-friend of Donaldson, Wendy McCarthy. “We were both super excited to vote for Obama in 2012 and I know he voted for Clinton in 2016. But now he keeps saying that Biden and Trump are exactly the same candidate and if you vote for Biden you’re just as dumb and racist as Trump supporters. But that’s just being willfully obtuse. He’s like that, you know? But even if he did believe all that nonsense, what’s his end goal? To get everyone not to vote for Biden? Is that what he really wants? I know for a fact he knows how the Supreme Court works... It must be the whole COVID thing or something. I bet he’s really lonely.”

While Henry’s behavior has a lot of his virtual friends shaking their heads, Longtime Republican donor and former college roommate, Vinny Jacobsen, isn’t surprised by Donaldson’s outbursts — citing a long history of the non-voter’s often provocative, outspoken beliefs.

“Hank’s always been a bit of an asshole,” Jacobsen said. “He’s the kind of guy who’s always trying to tell you how weak you are for not using hot sauce or how dumb you are because you don’t listen to Democracy Now or CNN or whatever. He must have finally got a smartphone or something — even though he always called smartphone users sheep-like sycophants. But yeah, he’s been posting all that election crap. Of course, as a Trump supporter, I agree with most of the non-condescending stuff. I mean, I don’t think people should vote for Biden either, because he won’t go after Europe or Antifa or public schools the way Trump has.”

Added Jacobsen: “Oh yeah, and the Supreme Court. Hell even if I didn’t like Trump, I’d still vote for him for that reason alone. You’d be a damned fool not to.”

Originally appeared in Birdy Magazine