SOCIAL MEDIA — For reasons that were heretofore unknown, one of your social media "friends" Henry Donaldson — a man you have never met in actual life — is not voting in the upcoming election. But instead of keeping this personal decision to himself, the Facebook user is spending an awful lot of his free time attempting to seek validation for his abstention and convincing others not to vote as well.
“I
never met this Henry guy,” said Jeremy Fisher, another one of your mutual e-friends, during a group chat. “But holy shit, he won’t shut the fuck up about not voting
for Biden for some reason. He’s been writing these overwrought posts that are
like six paragraphs long. It’s like, ‘Dude, no one here is going to stop you
from not voting. Knock yourself the fuck out.’ But I guess he’s embarked upon
some sacred mission to proclaim to the entire world that he is one important
non-voting mother fucker! Look out world: Henry is definitely NOT going to vote
in the upcoming election. It’s just so fucking impressive, isn’t it?”
Before
last week, Henry hadn’t exactly been active on Facebook — his last post seeking
recommendations for good Ethiopian food in the area appeared in mid-February.
But since his first post about the election last Wednesday, Donaldson has let
flow a torrent of increasingly unhinged proclamations about the stupidity of
voting.
“I’m
not sure what’s gotten into Hank,” said ex-girlfriend and reluctant e-friend of
Donaldson, Wendy McCarthy. “We were both super excited to vote for Obama in
2012 and I know he voted for Clinton in 2016. But now he keeps saying that
Biden and Trump are exactly the same candidate and if you vote for Biden you’re
just as dumb and racist as Trump supporters. But that’s just being willfully
obtuse. He’s like that, you know? But even if he did believe all that nonsense,
what’s his end goal? To get everyone not to vote for Biden? Is that what he
really wants? I know for a fact he knows how the Supreme Court works... It must
be the whole COVID thing or something. I bet he’s really lonely.”
While
Henry’s behavior has a lot of his virtual friends shaking their heads, Longtime
Republican donor and former college roommate, Vinny Jacobsen, isn’t surprised
by Donaldson’s outbursts — citing a long history of the non-voter’s often
provocative, outspoken beliefs.
“Hank’s
always been a bit of an asshole,” Jacobsen said. “He’s the kind of guy who’s
always trying to tell you how weak you are for not using hot sauce or how dumb
you are because you don’t listen to Democracy Now or CNN or whatever. He must
have finally got a smartphone or something — even though he always called
smartphone users sheep-like sycophants. But yeah, he’s been posting all that
election crap. Of course, as a Trump supporter, I agree with most of the
non-condescending stuff. I mean, I don’t think people should vote for Biden
either, because he won’t go after Europe or Antifa or public schools the way
Trump has.”
Added
Jacobsen: “Oh yeah, and the Supreme Court. Hell even if I didn’t like Trump, I’d
still vote for him for that reason alone. You’d be a damned fool not to.”
Originally appeared in Birdy Magazine.
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