Have You Been A Loser This Whole Time?

Have you ever thought to yourself, What if I’m not cool? What if I’ve never been cool? What if I’ve been a loser this whole time? Well, you’re not wrong to think that. While the answer to these questions might be a soft “no,” chances are that yes, you are a loser and have been one this entire time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of — or at least, that’s what we keep saying aloud to no one since we found out this truth about ourselves. But if you want some confirmation on whether or not you are a loser, simply ask yourself the following questions. If you answer yes to any of them — and you also would have answered yes to them ten years ago — you’ve probably been a loser for a long time now.

1. Do you constantly lose every time you play board games even when you totally fucking cheat? 

2. When you see people you respect in public, do they take one look at you and say, “Hey, how’d that loser get in here?”

3. Do you defend Jimmy Buffet when people justifiably talk shit about him?

4. When your parents introduce you, do they say, “This one here’s my loser child”?

5. Do others burst into unexplainable and uncontrollable sobbing upon hearing the very sound of your laughter?

6. Have you spent money on lottery tickets but never won?

7. Do ATM machines always charge you an extra “loser” fee?

8. Did you squander the millions you inherited on underhanded real estate deals, become a shitty reality TV star, and have to rely on the electoral college to win the presidency because you lost the popular vote by almost three million?

9. Are you trying to turn your enjoyment of bacon into a bona fide personality trait to make up for the fact that you have no personality?

10. Does the sporting team you root for lose a portion of the time?

Don’t worry, if you answered yes to any or all of these questions (and are in fact a loser), you will soon find that there’s a certain freedom in not being expected to win all the time. No one’s ever going to say, “Hey, why don’t you get off your ass and make something out of your life?” And even if they do, they will quickly follow it up with, “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot who I was talking to.” And once you settle into an existence where you don’t run a successful business, get a decent-paying job at a tech start-up, or even join the ranks of middle management, you will be comfortable to just be yourself — even if that involves wallowing in self pity because you never made it as a professional gamer. Either way, once you own your lifestyle, you won’t have to take any more shit from anyone — even if you totally deserve it.