Exclusive: We Get To The Bottom Of Why Brad's Being Such A Dick Today

THE OFFICE — Although you've only had a handful of interactions with him, generally your coworker Brad doesn’t act like a huge dick. But today this is simply not the case. You asked him for a quarterly earnings report and he yelled at you for being a tiny little intern who has no business disturbing him. What a jerk, right? In order to get to the bottom of why Brad’s being this way, we snooped around his cubicle and eavesdropped on his calls. While there’s no one explanation for today’s assholery, we’re assuming it’s a perfect storm of personal failings and just plain bad luck. Here’s what we found…

1. Stacey’s on him again about having kids. Same old story: he doesn’t want kids, she does. He keeps making excuses like, “I have a career to think about.” And, “When I leave you for my secretary I don’t want to have to make child support payments.” And, “I have substandard genes that I don’t want to taint the gene pool with.” While we understand that Stacey wants children before her father dies, we don’t know why anyone would want to have them with someone as self-absorbed as Brad. Bottom line: Stacey can do better!

2. Someone nicked the bumper of his BMW. Poor little Brad. Someone scratched the bumper of his car and didn’t leave a note. It’s just such a tragedy, isn’t it? Fun tip: don’t tell Brad that bumpers were meant to get bumped into. It doesn’t make him feel any better, since, and we quote, “It still lowers the resale value.” Apparently rich people sell their old cars for a lot of money when they get sick of them. Isn’t that some snazzy ass bullshit?

3. Brad wants to be a tough guy but it’s hard because he works in an office. Since he was raised to be a macho, macho man, Brad’s often swaddled in a cloak of insecurity due to his outward appearance. Sure he wants to be tough, but he has to wear a posh suit every day, and tough guys don’t wear posh suits (plus you could drop this dude with a single punch). The president has the same problem. They’re what’s wrong with the world!

4. His older brother is better looking and everyone knows it. Ah, tough break on that one, Brad.

5. Brad’s just kind of a dick, and when he’s not, you caught him on a good day. You have to admit that even when Brad is nice, you can tell he’s still an asshole underneath. In fact, any sort of goodwill that you have towards him is the result of what’s known as "Stockholm syndrome," and not because he is a decent human being. Perhaps consider working in a place that Brad does not also work at. Of course, Brads come in all names and sizes (though they’re usually entitled white guys). So watch out for that!