Thursday, August 29, 2019

Friends’ Caginess Around What Man Assumed Was Planning For His Surprise Birthday Party Turns Out To Be Caginess For Some Party On His Birthday They’re Going To Without Him

A VERY SAD PLACE INDEED — Apparently, Martin Taney’s friends’ recent caginess during the build-up to his birthday had nothing to do with a surprise party he imagined them throwing for him. Rather, it had everything to do with this badass party that he wasn’t invited to at all, he sadly discovered when no one jumped out from behind the furniture at his house and yelled, “Surprise” on the day he turned 32.  

“Like a week before my birthday, I created a private event on Facebook that said something like, ‘Turning 32, let’s party!” Taney commented forlornly. “And after inviting ten or so people, I didn’t get a single friend to click the ‘Going’ button. No one even clicked the “Interested” button. So I figured they must be throwing me a surprise party, because I told them last year that I always wanted one. That, uh… Well, let’s just say that didn’t turn out to be the case.”

As Taney waited for any sign that a surprise party was imminent, he assumed his friends were keeping their cards extremely close to their chest, even going so far as pretending that he didn’t have an upcoming birthday at all.

“The other day I got a drink with George and Henry and asked what they were doing that upcoming Saturday,” he said. “I didn’t mention it was my birthday and they sure as hell didn’t bring it up. I’m sure I had a smile a mile wide that night, because I was positive the surprise they were planning was going to be nothing short of spectacular.”

After unsuccessfully fighting back tears, he added, “What fuckers.”

According to his friends, Taney’s birthday paled in comparison to an invitation they received a few days before he created the event on Facebook. Accordingly, they felt they had no choice but to bail on the rinkydink party Taney was planning and go have some fun instead. 

“I mean, sure we probably should have done something with Martin on his birthday,” said George Vinson, a close friend of Taney for nearly a decade. “But Carl [Rutledge] invited us to this party with a DJ and a full bar and all these cool tattooed people that work in the non-profit sector. A lot of them are open-minded and sex-positive and me and Henry [Marshall] are recently divorced and trying to figure out how to meet some cool new people. I mean, it was a no-brainer.”

When asked to clarify why they didn’t just invite Taney to the party, Vinson said, “Well, first of all, Carl and Martin hate each other ever since Carl started dating Sonia [Ellsworth, Taney’s ex-girlfriend]. Plus, Martin has a lot of positive attributes, but he’s a terrible, sloppy, dumb ass drunk, which is probably why he only drinks once a year on his birthday. That’s why we all made a collective decision to not spend it with him this year.”

Vinson then thought about it and said, “I should probably call him. Maybe we can all go somewhere later this week and get a sparkling water or whatever people who can’t handle their booze drink.”

Instead of partying with all his friends on his birthday, Taney decided to call his mother to see if she wanted to take him out to dinner. 

“She couldn’t really hang out either,” said Taney after the two-minute conversation. “But
she did promise to send me a check in the mail so I could take myself out. I guess that’s
slightly better than nothing.”

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